i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It's never too late to be topless.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
