hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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