please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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