I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
