it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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