I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
