why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
