why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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