remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
