Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
