I just pynch a tree in the face
I look better un-naked...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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