Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
