My first STD was from a foam party
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Randomize
