I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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