Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize