I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
