Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
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