Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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