guys are only as good as the porn they watch
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize