omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
