I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
