saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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