Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
