He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
