Tell her she can't have a vagina
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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