Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
