U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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