i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
