My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
