I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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