I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
