Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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