Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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