Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
