I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
