Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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