have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I made him laugh his dick is mine
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
