and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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