So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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