I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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