you win again, gameday.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
