Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
