I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
