hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
There r osticjed everywhere
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
