Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
