Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
