Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
