you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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