and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
