Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
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