I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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