fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
