he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
