So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
