Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
