As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
