there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize