My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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